Saturday, 24 March 2012

Blocked Filters

One of the major blocks to a new and continuing relationship is that of baggage from the past. These unresolved issues from one or both of the couple can create a wall that affects all aspects of communication, times of intimacy, understanding, sharing and a open sense of giving.

What sort of thing are we talking about here? These blocks may be about past relationships, upbringing or any other experience that still holds us back from our lives being really fulfilling.

We may not, for example, have addressed a rocky childhood where abuse of some sort has taken place either against us or someone else in the family. Out of that trust of people may be an issue and an anxiety about certain ways we are treated by people close to us.This alone would create barriers in any relationships we had in the future. These types of traumas left unattended to will not go away by themselves and any partner is not with you as your therapist and therefore need to be resolved before these issues start to affect your relationships.

Communication within a relationship needs constant attention without other issues causing other misunderstandings. The straw in a glass of water comes to mind where if you look at it from one angle the straw looks bent but we know it cannot possibly be so in reality. Problems can affect our perceptions. This even though we are sure we have been clear in what we have said to our partner they still do not understand or perhaps 'take it the wrong way'. We are talking to our partner through their filter which may need to be cleared of their problematic residue.

If both filters are blocked then the free flow of information and emotions will really affect these communications. I hear clients  say things like, "He/She doesn't understand me" or "I tell Him/Her but they don't listen" or " "I am never heard by my partner" or "They seem distant and lost in their own world". There are may things that people say illuminate what is going on for them and why.

If this rings any bells for you in your relationship, I would suggest that you see a Counsellor in order to unblock your filter.

Giving Your Life Direction

Monday, 19 March 2012

Gone missing in your own life?

Many of us may have grown up holding the message that if we do things for ourselves we were being selfish. Maybe we misheard, or not, as the case may be. How ever that message came into our consciousness it is misplaced. Doing things solely for ourselves maybe seen as selfish.

 Self care is essential if we are to be healthy individuals and a healthy well adjusted society. Giving to others becomes an impossible task once our personal resources are used up. Relationships become a barren desert and unbalanced underachieving in our goals for happiness and stability.

The lack of time needed for self care is often given as a reason not to do anything for the self. It is amazing how the same people are able to find time for others who appear to have a higher priority in their lives.

Some people have an overwhelming need to please others. There are many reasons for this motivation often being a result of a type of parenting. Many of those others are takers which some might assume makes a balance. This not the case as balance might only be achieved if there was an equality of giving and taking by both parties.

So, where are we in our lives, our relationships, our families? Where and how do our needs get met in these circumstances. Unsurprisingly many people feel lost and alone in these circumstances.Their lives are lived through others. Others are in control and often also dictate how people should think and feel.  "If she's happy, I'm happy" or, "Whenever he is down in the dumps, I feel that as well, I can't help it." 

What do we mean then about self care. It is doing something for ourselves and only for ourselves on a daily basis. Some people go for a walk or a swim or read or meditate or watch a movie or listen to music all without disturbance from others. In a family this time would need to be clearly set out so that you are not disturbed.

Some people feel guilty and have the voice of their parent telling them that they are being selfish. This where a Counsellor would be able to help you to achieve your right to self care.

Giving Your Life Direction