The grief experienced by people when they become disconnected is understandably profound.
Disconnected from what; others and themselves and the sense of being lost is difficult to manage. One of the most common situations is the loss of someone close when they die. Other situations might be through the death of a relationship or the subsequent separation or the loss of their identity through adoption.
Many Clients tell me that they have lost themselves in their relationship and no longer know who they are. This may cause feelings of confusion, guilt, inadequacy, anger, grief and low self esteem.
It takes a lot of work by some people to get to a point of acceptance of themselves and their situation and this where personal and professional support is so important.
Talking things over with friends can be invaluable in these situations as can support groups.
The questions we might ask are around our life priorities. This isn't about financial/material goals but more about how we value ourselves. After losing an important person in our lives it is easy to value ourselves less, do less for ourselves and try to bury ourselves in others.
Without seeing ourselves as the most important person in our world, others will suffer the conseqences.
In order to manage the disconnect the 1st port of call is gaining a sense of self and start on the road to self empowerment.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Self Validation & A Magic Pudding
A "Magic Pudding" is one that replenishes itself no matter how much is eaten.
One of the most prevalent issues for people is that giving to others is expected and if you give to yourself you are being selfish. This is an impossible position to be in as our inner resources reduce each time we give and do not receive. I am not saying that when we do something for others we should expect something in return. What I am saying is that the opportunity needs to be created in order to build our reserves on a regular basis.
One of the most prevalent issues for people is that giving to others is expected and if you give to yourself you are being selfish. This is an impossible position to be in as our inner resources reduce each time we give and do not receive. I am not saying that when we do something for others we should expect something in return. What I am saying is that the opportunity needs to be created in order to build our reserves on a regular basis.
Many of my clients have difficulties in doing things for themselves because they believe that they are undeserving of this. This has a number of complexities to this behaviour but some of it may be based in either being told to effectively feel guilty if you do something for yourself from upbringing or relationships or that they have no time for this to happen as their life priorities.
Not only are we all worthy of this activity but also it is vital that this occurs for our well being. People who work with people have to be particularly careful on this score as it contributes to 'burn out'.
It doesn't have to cost much or indeed anything at all in financial terms just a willingness to do this at least once every day. So, what sort of things am I talking about? Think about what gives you pleasure. It could be a walk of having a coffee before work and some space to 'smell the roses'. It could be some uninterrupted time where you do not have to justify what you do or not do, to anyone.It could be having a time of being pampered in a health spa. It could be anything that is wholly and solely about and for you.
We are not like the Magic Pudding that automatically replenishes itself, we need to work hard in order to do this, preferably with the total support of those around us. Hopefully then it will become just something we do and second nature to our lives.
Giving Your Life Direction
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Assumptions Can Make You Blind To The Truth
Assumptions can make you blind to the truth as I have seen many times with clients seeing me about couple relationships and parenting.
I hear things like' What am I, a mind reader?' ' How was I to know?'
Most of us are not mind readers but act like one. We often respond on a guess and think we know the other person so well that our assumptions are correct without ever checking it out, with possible surprising consequences.
Facebook pages are littered with assumptions about people and their situations without really knowing their true experience. The top assumption is that we think we know and that is an adequate status when in fact it may be damaging and hurtful to another.
How often have you heard people say, "I know how you feel". They don't. No one can know how the other feels. They assume that because maybe they have experienced a similar situation then that must be the same for someone else. A case of one size fits all and a very prescriptive way of thinking. If I as a Counsellor took a similar line, my Clients would only heal by pure luck as one method and intervention does not work for everyone. One abused person does not necessarily feel in the same way as another.
Assumptions block communication and don't help the the way we relate to others. As we know, the idea of communication is to get our ideas across to others and for them to understand what we have said. This a two way street. Assumptions have no place in this verbal transaction as they act as roadblocks hiding the necessary real understanding. If we assume others understand without checking out with them, the truth of the matter may be absent.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Giving Your Life Direction
I hear things like' What am I, a mind reader?' ' How was I to know?'
Most of us are not mind readers but act like one. We often respond on a guess and think we know the other person so well that our assumptions are correct without ever checking it out, with possible surprising consequences.
Facebook pages are littered with assumptions about people and their situations without really knowing their true experience. The top assumption is that we think we know and that is an adequate status when in fact it may be damaging and hurtful to another.
How often have you heard people say, "I know how you feel". They don't. No one can know how the other feels. They assume that because maybe they have experienced a similar situation then that must be the same for someone else. A case of one size fits all and a very prescriptive way of thinking. If I as a Counsellor took a similar line, my Clients would only heal by pure luck as one method and intervention does not work for everyone. One abused person does not necessarily feel in the same way as another.
Assumptions block communication and don't help the the way we relate to others. As we know, the idea of communication is to get our ideas across to others and for them to understand what we have said. This a two way street. Assumptions have no place in this verbal transaction as they act as roadblocks hiding the necessary real understanding. If we assume others understand without checking out with them, the truth of the matter may be absent.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Giving Your Life Direction
Monday, 24 October 2011
My Dogs bigger Than Your Dog
Tom Paxton sang this in the 60's. It is about children competing in their experiences of their world to show that they were better than each other. Monty Pythons Sketch on a similar theme also comes to mind.
Some of my past Clients have competed about how they probably had the worst problem, the worst life creating the worst outcome than anyone else they have known racing to become victims of their own circumstances.
The problem with this attitude is that others are not validated let alone themselves. Others who have significant issues become invisible next to the 'card carrying' victims and therefore they are neither heard nor are they seen as important and their problems fade into insignificance.
However understandable this competition may be, the creation of more victims, many find unacceptable. These issues are neither worse nor not as bad, they are just different. Different people react to problems differently. One size does not fit all and therefore therapy is individually tailored not just to the problem but also to the person with the problem. Hence when potential clients ask me as to how long will the therapy take, it is not possible to give a definitive answer.
Your dog may be bigger than my dog but this just makes it different, not better or worse.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Some of my past Clients have competed about how they probably had the worst problem, the worst life creating the worst outcome than anyone else they have known racing to become victims of their own circumstances.
The problem with this attitude is that others are not validated let alone themselves. Others who have significant issues become invisible next to the 'card carrying' victims and therefore they are neither heard nor are they seen as important and their problems fade into insignificance.
However understandable this competition may be, the creation of more victims, many find unacceptable. These issues are neither worse nor not as bad, they are just different. Different people react to problems differently. One size does not fit all and therefore therapy is individually tailored not just to the problem but also to the person with the problem. Hence when potential clients ask me as to how long will the therapy take, it is not possible to give a definitive answer.
Your dog may be bigger than my dog but this just makes it different, not better or worse.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Roll Up, Roll Up, Everyones A Loser
Connie, lived in an aged care facility where I worked some 20 years ago. She told me that when she was a young woman she gave birth whilst not married. The authorities sent her to a mental institution after removing her child. She was then given electric shock treatment and a lobotomy. At the time, British society frowned on pregnancies 'out of wedlock'.
Connie never really recovered from the trauma of what they did to her in the institution and never ever recovered from having her baby taken from her. She felt many things from these punitive acts, the main thing was a deep and terrible sense of loss.
Loss pervaded the forced removal of children from their mother. Loss was there for the fathers of those children. Loss was at the front and centre of the child that was removed and loss was the basis for the adoptive parents start to their new role. The loss associated with adoptive parents is that they are often not able to give birth for physical/psychological reasons. That, coming to terms with that situation is rarely effectively dealt with prior to adopting a child. This then often leads to significant issues over and above the issues that the adoptee is facing.
Some of those involved have not been in position to grieve and others, are not in a position to end their grieving. This is one of the few commonalities that affect all those in these past practices.
What have they lost. The most obvious thing is the mother child attachment. The associated feeling has been described as ripping and tearing of the child from the mother. These children are now adults, many of whom are damaged and sad, again much like their mothers who gave birth to them.
That loss of attachment is only part of the story. Other aspects involve the way that these adoptees found out about the fact they were adopted and when. Other damage was caused by the way they were parented, with different parenting issues to 'natural families'. Some were abused, others were treated like 2nd class people. Unsurprisingly many adoptees feel they are invisible and without a voice.
The result of these unresolved traumas has been an experience of being re-traumatised because of the inability to 'get to grips' with the facts for many years.
It is a difficult thing to try and put the genie back in the bottle and the same is true of the attempted reunion of birth mother and separated offspring. The understandable motivation, from both mother and offspring is to reconnect this is often just too hard for a multitude of reasons.
Crisis of identity is a common aspect of the child and adult adoptee, as suggested in my previous blogs.
Everyone involved in the forced adoption process has a sense of loss.There are no winners only losers.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Connie never really recovered from the trauma of what they did to her in the institution and never ever recovered from having her baby taken from her. She felt many things from these punitive acts, the main thing was a deep and terrible sense of loss.
Loss pervaded the forced removal of children from their mother. Loss was there for the fathers of those children. Loss was at the front and centre of the child that was removed and loss was the basis for the adoptive parents start to their new role. The loss associated with adoptive parents is that they are often not able to give birth for physical/psychological reasons. That, coming to terms with that situation is rarely effectively dealt with prior to adopting a child. This then often leads to significant issues over and above the issues that the adoptee is facing.
Some of those involved have not been in position to grieve and others, are not in a position to end their grieving. This is one of the few commonalities that affect all those in these past practices.
What have they lost. The most obvious thing is the mother child attachment. The associated feeling has been described as ripping and tearing of the child from the mother. These children are now adults, many of whom are damaged and sad, again much like their mothers who gave birth to them.
That loss of attachment is only part of the story. Other aspects involve the way that these adoptees found out about the fact they were adopted and when. Other damage was caused by the way they were parented, with different parenting issues to 'natural families'. Some were abused, others were treated like 2nd class people. Unsurprisingly many adoptees feel they are invisible and without a voice.
The result of these unresolved traumas has been an experience of being re-traumatised because of the inability to 'get to grips' with the facts for many years.
It is a difficult thing to try and put the genie back in the bottle and the same is true of the attempted reunion of birth mother and separated offspring. The understandable motivation, from both mother and offspring is to reconnect this is often just too hard for a multitude of reasons.
Crisis of identity is a common aspect of the child and adult adoptee, as suggested in my previous blogs.
Everyone involved in the forced adoption process has a sense of loss.There are no winners only losers.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Friday, 7 October 2011
The Joys of Parenting & Being Parented Part 1
Who you are, where you originate, how you originate, the type of relationship, how you were parented and so on, has a direct influence on how you parent and are parented. The parenting roles are diverse with birth parents, step parents, adoptive parents, foster parents, single parents, separated parents and any combination of those roles. No wonder family life can be so complex.
Unfortunately, it appears that for many people, the needs of their future and present children are the last priority when it comes to having a family. Perhaps that the great need to have a family by one or both parents outweighs any future need of the children hence the industries related to IVF, 'baby farming' and adoption. Whilst understanding the need to have a family, perhaps this isn't always thought through sufficiently well to see that the needs of the family might be different because of the way the family is created.
The parenting roles are sometimes problematic as the styles of parenting may be different between both parents causing conflict between the couple and confusion for the child. It would be no surprise to see 'acting out' behaviour from the child over these inconsistencies.
It is vital that children in a family feel safe, loved and understood by both parents and not feel that the sole outcome is control and being kept down, quiet and emotionally imprisoned. Their learning comes from, in part, from the parents role modelling acceptable behaviour. which would not include having arguments in front of their children.
Child safety is not just about potential accidents or "Stranger Danger" it is about the emotional safety that comes from sound parenting practices.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Unfortunately, it appears that for many people, the needs of their future and present children are the last priority when it comes to having a family. Perhaps that the great need to have a family by one or both parents outweighs any future need of the children hence the industries related to IVF, 'baby farming' and adoption. Whilst understanding the need to have a family, perhaps this isn't always thought through sufficiently well to see that the needs of the family might be different because of the way the family is created.
The parenting roles are sometimes problematic as the styles of parenting may be different between both parents causing conflict between the couple and confusion for the child. It would be no surprise to see 'acting out' behaviour from the child over these inconsistencies.
It is vital that children in a family feel safe, loved and understood by both parents and not feel that the sole outcome is control and being kept down, quiet and emotionally imprisoned. Their learning comes from, in part, from the parents role modelling acceptable behaviour. which would not include having arguments in front of their children.
Child safety is not just about potential accidents or "Stranger Danger" it is about the emotional safety that comes from sound parenting practices.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Monday, 3 October 2011
Professional differences
Many people get really confused about the differences in what the various therapists offer and think that basically they are all the same but with some minor differences and they are interchangeable. The clarity is further confused because some countries expect different things, training and qualifications from their therapists.
In Australia, Psychiatrists are medical Doctors who are specialists in diagnosing and treating mental disorders. This is done through medication and other medical models. They do not counsel.
Psychologists, work in many areas however only Clinical Psychologists work in the therapy of their clients who have a mental dysfunction. In order to counsel, they must have specialist training to practice in this way.
Counsellors should be trained, experienced, hold a qualification in Counselling and be a member of a Counselling Association. Unfortunately, in Australia anyone may call themselves a Counsellor and practice. This can be a highly risky process for a client to be a part of potentially causing untold damage to emotionally and psychologically vunerable people.
So what is Counselling?
Counselling is a talking therapy that involves a Counsellor and Client/s.
Counsellors are active and professional listeners aiding the client to work towards a change in their circumstances. Various methods and strategies are utilized in order for this to happen.
Although Counsellors are not authorized to diagnose mental illnesses, some Counsellors, are skilled at treating clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, panic attacks, depression etc,.
Counselling involves a therapeutic relationship between two or more people who are both working towards the overcoming of a particular issue or issues. It is an essential part of that relationship that both Counsellor and the Client/s are committed to achieving positive outcomes.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
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