Clients tell me that the feelings associated with their partners having an affair are difficult to cope with. They feel betrayed, disempowered, angry , sad, rejected, abandoned, unimportant, unloved and their sense of self left tarnished. Is there a way back from this? To some extent it depends on the circumstances and what form that "other woman" takes.
Partners may have an affair with alcohol, other drugs, sport, "the boys/girls" work or indeed another person.
To replace the intimate relationship with anything else always causes a problem. The lack of trust causes people to do things they would not ordinarily do such as check their partners phone, their personal effects, their story about where they have been, with whom etc,
Do couples have other relationships when they have an existing meaningful and loving relationship? Only by arrangement. The rest of the time it is a real sign of other unresolved issues.
Couples who have experienced one partner who have had a single or multiple concurrent intimate relationship require support, understanding and a willingness to undertake therapy to enable them to look at all the issues that brought them to that point. Saying sorry is important but is certainly not the whole story.
Sometimes it becomes clear to both or either partner that the only option is to separate, sometimes healing and change takes place and they can continue in a new and renegotiated relationship.
Giving Your Life Direction
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Saturday, 19 May 2012
Identity Colonization
The indigenous peoples of the world are disempowered by the invasions of the past by other nations. Then to add to their plight they have been told to assimilate into western societies. Some of these have been more successful than others. The implications of this assimilation are a power shift, often with a loss of their lands,family, heritage, history, culture, language and themselves. Displaced people, given new identities, may become so damaged that survival is all they can hope for and for some that is an expectation too high.
There are similarities between this scenario and that of Adoptees.These sons and daughters have been taken, often against the wishes of their mothers. A deal has been done between agencies and adopters, moving them to cultures new and their true identity colonized.
Adoptees around the world have an, often termed, 'false identity' relating to that given through the adoption process not being able to access information and know who they really are. This has been further complicated in the case of the peoples of the American "First Nations". Some were adopted out to white society not knowing or have evidence of their origins. Some are therefore stuck in the middle identifying with neither society.
For those of us who know our full history, whether we have had a positive upbringing or not, have an advantage over people who have not had that right. Our background often throws up issues for us later in life however a recent Australian survey of adoptees records that almost 90% of those adoptees questioned, had experienced depression, anxiety or both, at some point in their lives.
Where we come from adds shape to our understanding of who we are.
Adopted people had to be assimilated into a new family culture or social grouping or where their original culture was changed for a different one complete with new name and revised history.
The effect of this type of colonization has produced many who are depressed, anxious and feel in a state of despair and disempowerment.
The common thought is that adoption creates grief through unresolved loss. This is undoubtedly true in part, but there are other aspects that are as problematic as well however the loss is not just about the loss of their original Mother, if that is not traumatic enough, but also the loss of their original identity which has been removed and erased from their material, documented and emotional history.
Therapy is required by many but not easily accessed. We are able to offer this but, it does not appear that some of the larger counselling organisations really get the issues.Asking the right questions of providers is important so that you get the help you need.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Giving Your Life Direction
Adoptees around the world have an, often termed, 'false identity' relating to that given through the adoption process not being able to access information and know who they really are. This has been further complicated in the case of the peoples of the American "First Nations". Some were adopted out to white society not knowing or have evidence of their origins. Some are therefore stuck in the middle identifying with neither society.
For those of us who know our full history, whether we have had a positive upbringing or not, have an advantage over people who have not had that right. Our background often throws up issues for us later in life however a recent Australian survey of adoptees records that almost 90% of those adoptees questioned, had experienced depression, anxiety or both, at some point in their lives.
Where we come from adds shape to our understanding of who we are.
Adopted people had to be assimilated into a new family culture or social grouping or where their original culture was changed for a different one complete with new name and revised history.
The effect of this type of colonization has produced many who are depressed, anxious and feel in a state of despair and disempowerment.
The common thought is that adoption creates grief through unresolved loss. This is undoubtedly true in part, but there are other aspects that are as problematic as well however the loss is not just about the loss of their original Mother, if that is not traumatic enough, but also the loss of their original identity which has been removed and erased from their material, documented and emotional history.
Therapy is required by many but not easily accessed. We are able to offer this but, it does not appear that some of the larger counselling organisations really get the issues.Asking the right questions of providers is important so that you get the help you need.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Giving Your Life Direction
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Emotional Constipation
As with the physical type, emotional constipation is about the difficulties associated with letting go and dealing with the past. Many people block and bury their feelings trying to forget difficult things Men are not known for being open with their feelings either because they don't see the relevance and have been brought up this way or they are so deeply buried they cannot easily be accessed. Some women do this too because life has been just too difficult and painful.
This behaviour has probable consequences which may include:
Ill health
Blocks in relating to others
Blocks to getting self worked out
Insecurities & highly defensive behaviour
Poor self image & other emotional and psychological problems
The inevitable result of this this is that life will get harder and not easier until these issues have been worked through.
Some people are aware of what they have done and therefore may be ready for the next part of the therapeutic process. Others may not remember or know that these these things exist and have been buried and it is that which is causing them problems. They are at the beginning of this process. Wherever you may be on your journey it will require skilled Counselling in order to help you achieve your expectations.
If you are raising children help them not to get stuck with their old issues or yours.
Clients often say to me that they feel lost and that something is missing. Often, at least in part, that piece missing is the part of themselves that has been buried and they have lost themselves in the process.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Giving Your Life Direction
This behaviour has probable consequences which may include:
Ill health
Blocks in relating to others
Blocks to getting self worked out
Insecurities & highly defensive behaviour
Poor self image & other emotional and psychological problems
The inevitable result of this this is that life will get harder and not easier until these issues have been worked through.
Some people are aware of what they have done and therefore may be ready for the next part of the therapeutic process. Others may not remember or know that these these things exist and have been buried and it is that which is causing them problems. They are at the beginning of this process. Wherever you may be on your journey it will require skilled Counselling in order to help you achieve your expectations.
If you are raising children help them not to get stuck with their old issues or yours.
Clients often say to me that they feel lost and that something is missing. Often, at least in part, that piece missing is the part of themselves that has been buried and they have lost themselves in the process.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Giving Your Life Direction
Saturday, 24 March 2012
Blocked Filters
One of the major blocks to a new and continuing relationship is that of baggage from the past. These unresolved issues from one or both of the couple can create a wall that affects all aspects of communication, times of intimacy, understanding, sharing and a open sense of giving.
What sort of thing are we talking about here? These blocks may be about past relationships, upbringing or any other experience that still holds us back from our lives being really fulfilling.
We may not, for example, have addressed a rocky childhood where abuse of some sort has taken place either against us or someone else in the family. Out of that trust of people may be an issue and an anxiety about certain ways we are treated by people close to us.This alone would create barriers in any relationships we had in the future. These types of traumas left unattended to will not go away by themselves and any partner is not with you as your therapist and therefore need to be resolved before these issues start to affect your relationships.
Communication within a relationship needs constant attention without other issues causing other misunderstandings. The straw in a glass of water comes to mind where if you look at it from one angle the straw looks bent but we know it cannot possibly be so in reality. Problems can affect our perceptions. This even though we are sure we have been clear in what we have said to our partner they still do not understand or perhaps 'take it the wrong way'. We are talking to our partner through their filter which may need to be cleared of their problematic residue.
If both filters are blocked then the free flow of information and emotions will really affect these communications. I hear clients say things like, "He/She doesn't understand me" or "I tell Him/Her but they don't listen" or " "I am never heard by my partner" or "They seem distant and lost in their own world". There are may things that people say illuminate what is going on for them and why.
If this rings any bells for you in your relationship, I would suggest that you see a Counsellor in order to unblock your filter.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com
Giving Your Life Direction
What sort of thing are we talking about here? These blocks may be about past relationships, upbringing or any other experience that still holds us back from our lives being really fulfilling.
We may not, for example, have addressed a rocky childhood where abuse of some sort has taken place either against us or someone else in the family. Out of that trust of people may be an issue and an anxiety about certain ways we are treated by people close to us.This alone would create barriers in any relationships we had in the future. These types of traumas left unattended to will not go away by themselves and any partner is not with you as your therapist and therefore need to be resolved before these issues start to affect your relationships.
Communication within a relationship needs constant attention without other issues causing other misunderstandings. The straw in a glass of water comes to mind where if you look at it from one angle the straw looks bent but we know it cannot possibly be so in reality. Problems can affect our perceptions. This even though we are sure we have been clear in what we have said to our partner they still do not understand or perhaps 'take it the wrong way'. We are talking to our partner through their filter which may need to be cleared of their problematic residue.
If both filters are blocked then the free flow of information and emotions will really affect these communications. I hear clients say things like, "He/She doesn't understand me" or "I tell Him/Her but they don't listen" or " "I am never heard by my partner" or "They seem distant and lost in their own world". There are may things that people say illuminate what is going on for them and why.
If this rings any bells for you in your relationship, I would suggest that you see a Counsellor in order to unblock your filter.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com
Giving Your Life Direction
Monday, 19 March 2012
Gone missing in your own life?
Many of us may have grown up holding the message that if we do things for ourselves we were being selfish. Maybe we misheard, or not, as the case may be. How ever that message came into our consciousness it is misplaced. Doing things solely for ourselves maybe seen as selfish.
Self care is essential if we are to be healthy individuals and a healthy well adjusted society. Giving to others becomes an impossible task once our personal resources are used up. Relationships become a barren desert and unbalanced underachieving in our goals for happiness and stability.
The lack of time needed for self care is often given as a reason not to do anything for the self. It is amazing how the same people are able to find time for others who appear to have a higher priority in their lives.
Some people have an overwhelming need to please others. There are many reasons for this motivation often being a result of a type of parenting. Many of those others are takers which some might assume makes a balance. This not the case as balance might only be achieved if there was an equality of giving and taking by both parties.
So, where are we in our lives, our relationships, our families? Where and how do our needs get met in these circumstances. Unsurprisingly many people feel lost and alone in these circumstances.Their lives are lived through others. Others are in control and often also dictate how people should think and feel. "If she's happy, I'm happy" or, "Whenever he is down in the dumps, I feel that as well, I can't help it."
What do we mean then about self care. It is doing something for ourselves and only for ourselves on a daily basis. Some people go for a walk or a swim or read or meditate or watch a movie or listen to music all without disturbance from others. In a family this time would need to be clearly set out so that you are not disturbed.
Some people feel guilty and have the voice of their parent telling them that they are being selfish. This where a Counsellor would be able to help you to achieve your right to self care.
Giving Your Life Direction
Self care is essential if we are to be healthy individuals and a healthy well adjusted society. Giving to others becomes an impossible task once our personal resources are used up. Relationships become a barren desert and unbalanced underachieving in our goals for happiness and stability.
The lack of time needed for self care is often given as a reason not to do anything for the self. It is amazing how the same people are able to find time for others who appear to have a higher priority in their lives.
Some people have an overwhelming need to please others. There are many reasons for this motivation often being a result of a type of parenting. Many of those others are takers which some might assume makes a balance. This not the case as balance might only be achieved if there was an equality of giving and taking by both parties.
So, where are we in our lives, our relationships, our families? Where and how do our needs get met in these circumstances. Unsurprisingly many people feel lost and alone in these circumstances.Their lives are lived through others. Others are in control and often also dictate how people should think and feel. "If she's happy, I'm happy" or, "Whenever he is down in the dumps, I feel that as well, I can't help it."
What do we mean then about self care. It is doing something for ourselves and only for ourselves on a daily basis. Some people go for a walk or a swim or read or meditate or watch a movie or listen to music all without disturbance from others. In a family this time would need to be clearly set out so that you are not disturbed.
Some people feel guilty and have the voice of their parent telling them that they are being selfish. This where a Counsellor would be able to help you to achieve your right to self care.
Giving Your Life Direction
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Manage the Disconnect
The grief experienced by people when they become disconnected is understandably profound.
Disconnected from what; others and themselves and the sense of being lost is difficult to manage. One of the most common situations is the loss of someone close when they die. Other situations might be through the death of a relationship or the subsequent separation or the loss of their identity through adoption.
Many Clients tell me that they have lost themselves in their relationship and no longer know who they are. This may cause feelings of confusion, guilt, inadequacy, anger, grief and low self esteem.
It takes a lot of work by some people to get to a point of acceptance of themselves and their situation and this where personal and professional support is so important.
Talking things over with friends can be invaluable in these situations as can support groups.
The questions we might ask are around our life priorities. This isn't about financial/material goals but more about how we value ourselves. After losing an important person in our lives it is easy to value ourselves less, do less for ourselves and try to bury ourselves in others.
Without seeing ourselves as the most important person in our world, others will suffer the conseqences.
In order to manage the disconnect the 1st port of call is gaining a sense of self and start on the road to self empowerment.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Disconnected from what; others and themselves and the sense of being lost is difficult to manage. One of the most common situations is the loss of someone close when they die. Other situations might be through the death of a relationship or the subsequent separation or the loss of their identity through adoption.
Many Clients tell me that they have lost themselves in their relationship and no longer know who they are. This may cause feelings of confusion, guilt, inadequacy, anger, grief and low self esteem.
It takes a lot of work by some people to get to a point of acceptance of themselves and their situation and this where personal and professional support is so important.
Talking things over with friends can be invaluable in these situations as can support groups.
The questions we might ask are around our life priorities. This isn't about financial/material goals but more about how we value ourselves. After losing an important person in our lives it is easy to value ourselves less, do less for ourselves and try to bury ourselves in others.
Without seeing ourselves as the most important person in our world, others will suffer the conseqences.
In order to manage the disconnect the 1st port of call is gaining a sense of self and start on the road to self empowerment.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Self Validation & A Magic Pudding
A "Magic Pudding" is one that replenishes itself no matter how much is eaten.
One of the most prevalent issues for people is that giving to others is expected and if you give to yourself you are being selfish. This is an impossible position to be in as our inner resources reduce each time we give and do not receive. I am not saying that when we do something for others we should expect something in return. What I am saying is that the opportunity needs to be created in order to build our reserves on a regular basis.
One of the most prevalent issues for people is that giving to others is expected and if you give to yourself you are being selfish. This is an impossible position to be in as our inner resources reduce each time we give and do not receive. I am not saying that when we do something for others we should expect something in return. What I am saying is that the opportunity needs to be created in order to build our reserves on a regular basis.
Many of my clients have difficulties in doing things for themselves because they believe that they are undeserving of this. This has a number of complexities to this behaviour but some of it may be based in either being told to effectively feel guilty if you do something for yourself from upbringing or relationships or that they have no time for this to happen as their life priorities.
Not only are we all worthy of this activity but also it is vital that this occurs for our well being. People who work with people have to be particularly careful on this score as it contributes to 'burn out'.
It doesn't have to cost much or indeed anything at all in financial terms just a willingness to do this at least once every day. So, what sort of things am I talking about? Think about what gives you pleasure. It could be a walk of having a coffee before work and some space to 'smell the roses'. It could be some uninterrupted time where you do not have to justify what you do or not do, to anyone.It could be having a time of being pampered in a health spa. It could be anything that is wholly and solely about and for you.
We are not like the Magic Pudding that automatically replenishes itself, we need to work hard in order to do this, preferably with the total support of those around us. Hopefully then it will become just something we do and second nature to our lives.
Giving Your Life Direction
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Assumptions Can Make You Blind To The Truth
Assumptions can make you blind to the truth as I have seen many times with clients seeing me about couple relationships and parenting.
I hear things like' What am I, a mind reader?' ' How was I to know?'
Most of us are not mind readers but act like one. We often respond on a guess and think we know the other person so well that our assumptions are correct without ever checking it out, with possible surprising consequences.
Facebook pages are littered with assumptions about people and their situations without really knowing their true experience. The top assumption is that we think we know and that is an adequate status when in fact it may be damaging and hurtful to another.
How often have you heard people say, "I know how you feel". They don't. No one can know how the other feels. They assume that because maybe they have experienced a similar situation then that must be the same for someone else. A case of one size fits all and a very prescriptive way of thinking. If I as a Counsellor took a similar line, my Clients would only heal by pure luck as one method and intervention does not work for everyone. One abused person does not necessarily feel in the same way as another.
Assumptions block communication and don't help the the way we relate to others. As we know, the idea of communication is to get our ideas across to others and for them to understand what we have said. This a two way street. Assumptions have no place in this verbal transaction as they act as roadblocks hiding the necessary real understanding. If we assume others understand without checking out with them, the truth of the matter may be absent.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Giving Your Life Direction
I hear things like' What am I, a mind reader?' ' How was I to know?'
Most of us are not mind readers but act like one. We often respond on a guess and think we know the other person so well that our assumptions are correct without ever checking it out, with possible surprising consequences.
Facebook pages are littered with assumptions about people and their situations without really knowing their true experience. The top assumption is that we think we know and that is an adequate status when in fact it may be damaging and hurtful to another.
How often have you heard people say, "I know how you feel". They don't. No one can know how the other feels. They assume that because maybe they have experienced a similar situation then that must be the same for someone else. A case of one size fits all and a very prescriptive way of thinking. If I as a Counsellor took a similar line, my Clients would only heal by pure luck as one method and intervention does not work for everyone. One abused person does not necessarily feel in the same way as another.
Assumptions block communication and don't help the the way we relate to others. As we know, the idea of communication is to get our ideas across to others and for them to understand what we have said. This a two way street. Assumptions have no place in this verbal transaction as they act as roadblocks hiding the necessary real understanding. If we assume others understand without checking out with them, the truth of the matter may be absent.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Giving Your Life Direction
Monday, 24 October 2011
My Dogs bigger Than Your Dog
Tom Paxton sang this in the 60's. It is about children competing in their experiences of their world to show that they were better than each other. Monty Pythons Sketch on a similar theme also comes to mind.
Some of my past Clients have competed about how they probably had the worst problem, the worst life creating the worst outcome than anyone else they have known racing to become victims of their own circumstances.
The problem with this attitude is that others are not validated let alone themselves. Others who have significant issues become invisible next to the 'card carrying' victims and therefore they are neither heard nor are they seen as important and their problems fade into insignificance.
However understandable this competition may be, the creation of more victims, many find unacceptable. These issues are neither worse nor not as bad, they are just different. Different people react to problems differently. One size does not fit all and therefore therapy is individually tailored not just to the problem but also to the person with the problem. Hence when potential clients ask me as to how long will the therapy take, it is not possible to give a definitive answer.
Your dog may be bigger than my dog but this just makes it different, not better or worse.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Some of my past Clients have competed about how they probably had the worst problem, the worst life creating the worst outcome than anyone else they have known racing to become victims of their own circumstances.
The problem with this attitude is that others are not validated let alone themselves. Others who have significant issues become invisible next to the 'card carrying' victims and therefore they are neither heard nor are they seen as important and their problems fade into insignificance.
However understandable this competition may be, the creation of more victims, many find unacceptable. These issues are neither worse nor not as bad, they are just different. Different people react to problems differently. One size does not fit all and therefore therapy is individually tailored not just to the problem but also to the person with the problem. Hence when potential clients ask me as to how long will the therapy take, it is not possible to give a definitive answer.
Your dog may be bigger than my dog but this just makes it different, not better or worse.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Roll Up, Roll Up, Everyones A Loser
Connie, lived in an aged care facility where I worked some 20 years ago. She told me that when she was a young woman she gave birth whilst not married. The authorities sent her to a mental institution after removing her child. She was then given electric shock treatment and a lobotomy. At the time, British society frowned on pregnancies 'out of wedlock'.
Connie never really recovered from the trauma of what they did to her in the institution and never ever recovered from having her baby taken from her. She felt many things from these punitive acts, the main thing was a deep and terrible sense of loss.
Loss pervaded the forced removal of children from their mother. Loss was there for the fathers of those children. Loss was at the front and centre of the child that was removed and loss was the basis for the adoptive parents start to their new role. The loss associated with adoptive parents is that they are often not able to give birth for physical/psychological reasons. That, coming to terms with that situation is rarely effectively dealt with prior to adopting a child. This then often leads to significant issues over and above the issues that the adoptee is facing.
Some of those involved have not been in position to grieve and others, are not in a position to end their grieving. This is one of the few commonalities that affect all those in these past practices.
What have they lost. The most obvious thing is the mother child attachment. The associated feeling has been described as ripping and tearing of the child from the mother. These children are now adults, many of whom are damaged and sad, again much like their mothers who gave birth to them.
That loss of attachment is only part of the story. Other aspects involve the way that these adoptees found out about the fact they were adopted and when. Other damage was caused by the way they were parented, with different parenting issues to 'natural families'. Some were abused, others were treated like 2nd class people. Unsurprisingly many adoptees feel they are invisible and without a voice.
The result of these unresolved traumas has been an experience of being re-traumatised because of the inability to 'get to grips' with the facts for many years.
It is a difficult thing to try and put the genie back in the bottle and the same is true of the attempted reunion of birth mother and separated offspring. The understandable motivation, from both mother and offspring is to reconnect this is often just too hard for a multitude of reasons.
Crisis of identity is a common aspect of the child and adult adoptee, as suggested in my previous blogs.
Everyone involved in the forced adoption process has a sense of loss.There are no winners only losers.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Connie never really recovered from the trauma of what they did to her in the institution and never ever recovered from having her baby taken from her. She felt many things from these punitive acts, the main thing was a deep and terrible sense of loss.
Loss pervaded the forced removal of children from their mother. Loss was there for the fathers of those children. Loss was at the front and centre of the child that was removed and loss was the basis for the adoptive parents start to their new role. The loss associated with adoptive parents is that they are often not able to give birth for physical/psychological reasons. That, coming to terms with that situation is rarely effectively dealt with prior to adopting a child. This then often leads to significant issues over and above the issues that the adoptee is facing.
Some of those involved have not been in position to grieve and others, are not in a position to end their grieving. This is one of the few commonalities that affect all those in these past practices.
What have they lost. The most obvious thing is the mother child attachment. The associated feeling has been described as ripping and tearing of the child from the mother. These children are now adults, many of whom are damaged and sad, again much like their mothers who gave birth to them.
That loss of attachment is only part of the story. Other aspects involve the way that these adoptees found out about the fact they were adopted and when. Other damage was caused by the way they were parented, with different parenting issues to 'natural families'. Some were abused, others were treated like 2nd class people. Unsurprisingly many adoptees feel they are invisible and without a voice.
The result of these unresolved traumas has been an experience of being re-traumatised because of the inability to 'get to grips' with the facts for many years.
It is a difficult thing to try and put the genie back in the bottle and the same is true of the attempted reunion of birth mother and separated offspring. The understandable motivation, from both mother and offspring is to reconnect this is often just too hard for a multitude of reasons.
Crisis of identity is a common aspect of the child and adult adoptee, as suggested in my previous blogs.
Everyone involved in the forced adoption process has a sense of loss.There are no winners only losers.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Friday, 7 October 2011
The Joys of Parenting & Being Parented Part 1
Who you are, where you originate, how you originate, the type of relationship, how you were parented and so on, has a direct influence on how you parent and are parented. The parenting roles are diverse with birth parents, step parents, adoptive parents, foster parents, single parents, separated parents and any combination of those roles. No wonder family life can be so complex.
Unfortunately, it appears that for many people, the needs of their future and present children are the last priority when it comes to having a family. Perhaps that the great need to have a family by one or both parents outweighs any future need of the children hence the industries related to IVF, 'baby farming' and adoption. Whilst understanding the need to have a family, perhaps this isn't always thought through sufficiently well to see that the needs of the family might be different because of the way the family is created.
The parenting roles are sometimes problematic as the styles of parenting may be different between both parents causing conflict between the couple and confusion for the child. It would be no surprise to see 'acting out' behaviour from the child over these inconsistencies.
It is vital that children in a family feel safe, loved and understood by both parents and not feel that the sole outcome is control and being kept down, quiet and emotionally imprisoned. Their learning comes from, in part, from the parents role modelling acceptable behaviour. which would not include having arguments in front of their children.
Child safety is not just about potential accidents or "Stranger Danger" it is about the emotional safety that comes from sound parenting practices.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Unfortunately, it appears that for many people, the needs of their future and present children are the last priority when it comes to having a family. Perhaps that the great need to have a family by one or both parents outweighs any future need of the children hence the industries related to IVF, 'baby farming' and adoption. Whilst understanding the need to have a family, perhaps this isn't always thought through sufficiently well to see that the needs of the family might be different because of the way the family is created.
The parenting roles are sometimes problematic as the styles of parenting may be different between both parents causing conflict between the couple and confusion for the child. It would be no surprise to see 'acting out' behaviour from the child over these inconsistencies.
It is vital that children in a family feel safe, loved and understood by both parents and not feel that the sole outcome is control and being kept down, quiet and emotionally imprisoned. Their learning comes from, in part, from the parents role modelling acceptable behaviour. which would not include having arguments in front of their children.
Child safety is not just about potential accidents or "Stranger Danger" it is about the emotional safety that comes from sound parenting practices.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Monday, 3 October 2011
Professional differences
Many people get really confused about the differences in what the various therapists offer and think that basically they are all the same but with some minor differences and they are interchangeable. The clarity is further confused because some countries expect different things, training and qualifications from their therapists.
In Australia, Psychiatrists are medical Doctors who are specialists in diagnosing and treating mental disorders. This is done through medication and other medical models. They do not counsel.
Psychologists, work in many areas however only Clinical Psychologists work in the therapy of their clients who have a mental dysfunction. In order to counsel, they must have specialist training to practice in this way.
Counsellors should be trained, experienced, hold a qualification in Counselling and be a member of a Counselling Association. Unfortunately, in Australia anyone may call themselves a Counsellor and practice. This can be a highly risky process for a client to be a part of potentially causing untold damage to emotionally and psychologically vunerable people.
So what is Counselling?
Counselling is a talking therapy that involves a Counsellor and Client/s.
Counsellors are active and professional listeners aiding the client to work towards a change in their circumstances. Various methods and strategies are utilized in order for this to happen.
Although Counsellors are not authorized to diagnose mental illnesses, some Counsellors, are skilled at treating clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, panic attacks, depression etc,.
Counselling involves a therapeutic relationship between two or more people who are both working towards the overcoming of a particular issue or issues. It is an essential part of that relationship that both Counsellor and the Client/s are committed to achieving positive outcomes.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Sunday, 2 October 2011
Who Are We and our sense of self
This is a large and somewhat complex question. but basically, we are informed by our experiences from birth onwards. This presents a number of difficulties to those who, for instance,were adopted as that sort of information may not be available to them. It may well be that this particular group of people have lost their identity in terms of their original name for instance. This all adds or detracts from a positive sense of self.
Some Clients and others have told me that they never really had a sense of self when growing up as they had had that taken from them by the parenting they had received. Some Clients tell me that they had lost any sense of self in their relationship/s.
All of these scenarios may lead to significant issues of self esteem, lacking in confidence, confusion, a feeling of being lost and grieving for the self that is no longer available to them. They may also feel disconnected, detached, insecure, angry, depressed and anxious.
As babies, we may not understand or consciously remember the things that happen to us such as our birth or what happens to us in the 1st few weeks of life such as a loss of attachment, but that will have a direct effect on our sense of self throughout our lives. Some people may be disabled to the extent that they are unable to cope, others less so. Depending on the damage that has been caused informs how much and the type therapy required.
Knowing who we are is vital so that we can be effective people in our own and other peoples' lives.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Some Clients and others have told me that they never really had a sense of self when growing up as they had had that taken from them by the parenting they had received. Some Clients tell me that they had lost any sense of self in their relationship/s.
All of these scenarios may lead to significant issues of self esteem, lacking in confidence, confusion, a feeling of being lost and grieving for the self that is no longer available to them. They may also feel disconnected, detached, insecure, angry, depressed and anxious.
As babies, we may not understand or consciously remember the things that happen to us such as our birth or what happens to us in the 1st few weeks of life such as a loss of attachment, but that will have a direct effect on our sense of self throughout our lives. Some people may be disabled to the extent that they are unable to cope, others less so. Depending on the damage that has been caused informs how much and the type therapy required.
Knowing who we are is vital so that we can be effective people in our own and other peoples' lives.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Saturday, 1 October 2011
Relationship Balance
Relationships, any relationships, tend to work better when there is a power balance either by negotiation or not.
One aspect of power inbalance is abuse whether it be sexual, physical or psychological, which is why the abuser is always in the wrong and the abused are never at fault.
Over the years some have talked about some Priests who have sexually abused children saying that it is because they are not allowed to marry and therefore this abuse is the result of sexual frustration. In my opinion, this view has no validity and that any abuse is based in a need for power over someone else.
People who abuse do not come from a place of strength but from a place of weakness. Bullies, for instance, do not bully because they are strong but because they weak. I am not talking about physical strength here as often their physicality enables these bullies to succeed. There is also strength in numbers and where this occurs it tends to be a collection of the weak and the damaged. They require as much help as their victims.
It is more than possible to feel empowered in spite of what others have done to us but like anything, it takes work.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
One aspect of power inbalance is abuse whether it be sexual, physical or psychological, which is why the abuser is always in the wrong and the abused are never at fault.
Over the years some have talked about some Priests who have sexually abused children saying that it is because they are not allowed to marry and therefore this abuse is the result of sexual frustration. In my opinion, this view has no validity and that any abuse is based in a need for power over someone else.
People who abuse do not come from a place of strength but from a place of weakness. Bullies, for instance, do not bully because they are strong but because they weak. I am not talking about physical strength here as often their physicality enables these bullies to succeed. There is also strength in numbers and where this occurs it tends to be a collection of the weak and the damaged. They require as much help as their victims.
It is more than possible to feel empowered in spite of what others have done to us but like anything, it takes work.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
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