As with the physical type, emotional constipation is about the difficulties associated with letting go and dealing with the past. Many people block and bury their feelings trying to forget difficult things Men are not known for being open with their feelings either because they don't see the relevance and have been brought up this way or they are so deeply buried they cannot easily be accessed. Some women do this too because life has been just too difficult and painful.
This behaviour has probable consequences which may include:
Ill health
Blocks in relating to others
Blocks to getting self worked out
Insecurities & highly defensive behaviour
Poor self image & other emotional and psychological problems
The inevitable result of this this is that life will get harder and not easier until these issues have been worked through.
Some people are aware of what they have done and therefore may be ready for the next part of the therapeutic process. Others may not remember or know that these these things exist and have been buried and it is that which is causing them problems. They are at the beginning of this process. Wherever you may be on your journey it will require skilled Counselling in order to help you achieve your expectations.
If you are raising children help them not to get stuck with their old issues or yours.
Clients often say to me that they feel lost and that something is missing. Often, at least in part, that piece missing is the part of themselves that has been buried and they have lost themselves in the process.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Giving Your Life Direction
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Saturday, 24 March 2012
Blocked Filters
One of the major blocks to a new and continuing relationship is that of baggage from the past. These unresolved issues from one or both of the couple can create a wall that affects all aspects of communication, times of intimacy, understanding, sharing and a open sense of giving.
What sort of thing are we talking about here? These blocks may be about past relationships, upbringing or any other experience that still holds us back from our lives being really fulfilling.
We may not, for example, have addressed a rocky childhood where abuse of some sort has taken place either against us or someone else in the family. Out of that trust of people may be an issue and an anxiety about certain ways we are treated by people close to us.This alone would create barriers in any relationships we had in the future. These types of traumas left unattended to will not go away by themselves and any partner is not with you as your therapist and therefore need to be resolved before these issues start to affect your relationships.
Communication within a relationship needs constant attention without other issues causing other misunderstandings. The straw in a glass of water comes to mind where if you look at it from one angle the straw looks bent but we know it cannot possibly be so in reality. Problems can affect our perceptions. This even though we are sure we have been clear in what we have said to our partner they still do not understand or perhaps 'take it the wrong way'. We are talking to our partner through their filter which may need to be cleared of their problematic residue.
If both filters are blocked then the free flow of information and emotions will really affect these communications. I hear clients say things like, "He/She doesn't understand me" or "I tell Him/Her but they don't listen" or " "I am never heard by my partner" or "They seem distant and lost in their own world". There are may things that people say illuminate what is going on for them and why.
If this rings any bells for you in your relationship, I would suggest that you see a Counsellor in order to unblock your filter.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com
Giving Your Life Direction
What sort of thing are we talking about here? These blocks may be about past relationships, upbringing or any other experience that still holds us back from our lives being really fulfilling.
We may not, for example, have addressed a rocky childhood where abuse of some sort has taken place either against us or someone else in the family. Out of that trust of people may be an issue and an anxiety about certain ways we are treated by people close to us.This alone would create barriers in any relationships we had in the future. These types of traumas left unattended to will not go away by themselves and any partner is not with you as your therapist and therefore need to be resolved before these issues start to affect your relationships.
Communication within a relationship needs constant attention without other issues causing other misunderstandings. The straw in a glass of water comes to mind where if you look at it from one angle the straw looks bent but we know it cannot possibly be so in reality. Problems can affect our perceptions. This even though we are sure we have been clear in what we have said to our partner they still do not understand or perhaps 'take it the wrong way'. We are talking to our partner through their filter which may need to be cleared of their problematic residue.
If both filters are blocked then the free flow of information and emotions will really affect these communications. I hear clients say things like, "He/She doesn't understand me" or "I tell Him/Her but they don't listen" or " "I am never heard by my partner" or "They seem distant and lost in their own world". There are may things that people say illuminate what is going on for them and why.
If this rings any bells for you in your relationship, I would suggest that you see a Counsellor in order to unblock your filter.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com
Giving Your Life Direction
Monday, 19 March 2012
Gone missing in your own life?
Many of us may have grown up holding the message that if we do things for ourselves we were being selfish. Maybe we misheard, or not, as the case may be. How ever that message came into our consciousness it is misplaced. Doing things solely for ourselves maybe seen as selfish.
Self care is essential if we are to be healthy individuals and a healthy well adjusted society. Giving to others becomes an impossible task once our personal resources are used up. Relationships become a barren desert and unbalanced underachieving in our goals for happiness and stability.
The lack of time needed for self care is often given as a reason not to do anything for the self. It is amazing how the same people are able to find time for others who appear to have a higher priority in their lives.
Some people have an overwhelming need to please others. There are many reasons for this motivation often being a result of a type of parenting. Many of those others are takers which some might assume makes a balance. This not the case as balance might only be achieved if there was an equality of giving and taking by both parties.
So, where are we in our lives, our relationships, our families? Where and how do our needs get met in these circumstances. Unsurprisingly many people feel lost and alone in these circumstances.Their lives are lived through others. Others are in control and often also dictate how people should think and feel. "If she's happy, I'm happy" or, "Whenever he is down in the dumps, I feel that as well, I can't help it."
What do we mean then about self care. It is doing something for ourselves and only for ourselves on a daily basis. Some people go for a walk or a swim or read or meditate or watch a movie or listen to music all without disturbance from others. In a family this time would need to be clearly set out so that you are not disturbed.
Some people feel guilty and have the voice of their parent telling them that they are being selfish. This where a Counsellor would be able to help you to achieve your right to self care.
Giving Your Life Direction
Self care is essential if we are to be healthy individuals and a healthy well adjusted society. Giving to others becomes an impossible task once our personal resources are used up. Relationships become a barren desert and unbalanced underachieving in our goals for happiness and stability.
The lack of time needed for self care is often given as a reason not to do anything for the self. It is amazing how the same people are able to find time for others who appear to have a higher priority in their lives.
Some people have an overwhelming need to please others. There are many reasons for this motivation often being a result of a type of parenting. Many of those others are takers which some might assume makes a balance. This not the case as balance might only be achieved if there was an equality of giving and taking by both parties.
So, where are we in our lives, our relationships, our families? Where and how do our needs get met in these circumstances. Unsurprisingly many people feel lost and alone in these circumstances.Their lives are lived through others. Others are in control and often also dictate how people should think and feel. "If she's happy, I'm happy" or, "Whenever he is down in the dumps, I feel that as well, I can't help it."
What do we mean then about self care. It is doing something for ourselves and only for ourselves on a daily basis. Some people go for a walk or a swim or read or meditate or watch a movie or listen to music all without disturbance from others. In a family this time would need to be clearly set out so that you are not disturbed.
Some people feel guilty and have the voice of their parent telling them that they are being selfish. This where a Counsellor would be able to help you to achieve your right to self care.
Giving Your Life Direction
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Manage the Disconnect
The grief experienced by people when they become disconnected is understandably profound.
Disconnected from what; others and themselves and the sense of being lost is difficult to manage. One of the most common situations is the loss of someone close when they die. Other situations might be through the death of a relationship or the subsequent separation or the loss of their identity through adoption.
Many Clients tell me that they have lost themselves in their relationship and no longer know who they are. This may cause feelings of confusion, guilt, inadequacy, anger, grief and low self esteem.
It takes a lot of work by some people to get to a point of acceptance of themselves and their situation and this where personal and professional support is so important.
Talking things over with friends can be invaluable in these situations as can support groups.
The questions we might ask are around our life priorities. This isn't about financial/material goals but more about how we value ourselves. After losing an important person in our lives it is easy to value ourselves less, do less for ourselves and try to bury ourselves in others.
Without seeing ourselves as the most important person in our world, others will suffer the conseqences.
In order to manage the disconnect the 1st port of call is gaining a sense of self and start on the road to self empowerment.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Disconnected from what; others and themselves and the sense of being lost is difficult to manage. One of the most common situations is the loss of someone close when they die. Other situations might be through the death of a relationship or the subsequent separation or the loss of their identity through adoption.
Many Clients tell me that they have lost themselves in their relationship and no longer know who they are. This may cause feelings of confusion, guilt, inadequacy, anger, grief and low self esteem.
It takes a lot of work by some people to get to a point of acceptance of themselves and their situation and this where personal and professional support is so important.
Talking things over with friends can be invaluable in these situations as can support groups.
The questions we might ask are around our life priorities. This isn't about financial/material goals but more about how we value ourselves. After losing an important person in our lives it is easy to value ourselves less, do less for ourselves and try to bury ourselves in others.
Without seeing ourselves as the most important person in our world, others will suffer the conseqences.
In order to manage the disconnect the 1st port of call is gaining a sense of self and start on the road to self empowerment.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Self Validation & A Magic Pudding
A "Magic Pudding" is one that replenishes itself no matter how much is eaten.
One of the most prevalent issues for people is that giving to others is expected and if you give to yourself you are being selfish. This is an impossible position to be in as our inner resources reduce each time we give and do not receive. I am not saying that when we do something for others we should expect something in return. What I am saying is that the opportunity needs to be created in order to build our reserves on a regular basis.
One of the most prevalent issues for people is that giving to others is expected and if you give to yourself you are being selfish. This is an impossible position to be in as our inner resources reduce each time we give and do not receive. I am not saying that when we do something for others we should expect something in return. What I am saying is that the opportunity needs to be created in order to build our reserves on a regular basis.
Many of my clients have difficulties in doing things for themselves because they believe that they are undeserving of this. This has a number of complexities to this behaviour but some of it may be based in either being told to effectively feel guilty if you do something for yourself from upbringing or relationships or that they have no time for this to happen as their life priorities.
Not only are we all worthy of this activity but also it is vital that this occurs for our well being. People who work with people have to be particularly careful on this score as it contributes to 'burn out'.
It doesn't have to cost much or indeed anything at all in financial terms just a willingness to do this at least once every day. So, what sort of things am I talking about? Think about what gives you pleasure. It could be a walk of having a coffee before work and some space to 'smell the roses'. It could be some uninterrupted time where you do not have to justify what you do or not do, to anyone.It could be having a time of being pampered in a health spa. It could be anything that is wholly and solely about and for you.
We are not like the Magic Pudding that automatically replenishes itself, we need to work hard in order to do this, preferably with the total support of those around us. Hopefully then it will become just something we do and second nature to our lives.
Giving Your Life Direction
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Assumptions Can Make You Blind To The Truth
Assumptions can make you blind to the truth as I have seen many times with clients seeing me about couple relationships and parenting.
I hear things like' What am I, a mind reader?' ' How was I to know?'
Most of us are not mind readers but act like one. We often respond on a guess and think we know the other person so well that our assumptions are correct without ever checking it out, with possible surprising consequences.
Facebook pages are littered with assumptions about people and their situations without really knowing their true experience. The top assumption is that we think we know and that is an adequate status when in fact it may be damaging and hurtful to another.
How often have you heard people say, "I know how you feel". They don't. No one can know how the other feels. They assume that because maybe they have experienced a similar situation then that must be the same for someone else. A case of one size fits all and a very prescriptive way of thinking. If I as a Counsellor took a similar line, my Clients would only heal by pure luck as one method and intervention does not work for everyone. One abused person does not necessarily feel in the same way as another.
Assumptions block communication and don't help the the way we relate to others. As we know, the idea of communication is to get our ideas across to others and for them to understand what we have said. This a two way street. Assumptions have no place in this verbal transaction as they act as roadblocks hiding the necessary real understanding. If we assume others understand without checking out with them, the truth of the matter may be absent.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Giving Your Life Direction
I hear things like' What am I, a mind reader?' ' How was I to know?'
Most of us are not mind readers but act like one. We often respond on a guess and think we know the other person so well that our assumptions are correct without ever checking it out, with possible surprising consequences.
Facebook pages are littered with assumptions about people and their situations without really knowing their true experience. The top assumption is that we think we know and that is an adequate status when in fact it may be damaging and hurtful to another.
How often have you heard people say, "I know how you feel". They don't. No one can know how the other feels. They assume that because maybe they have experienced a similar situation then that must be the same for someone else. A case of one size fits all and a very prescriptive way of thinking. If I as a Counsellor took a similar line, my Clients would only heal by pure luck as one method and intervention does not work for everyone. One abused person does not necessarily feel in the same way as another.
Assumptions block communication and don't help the the way we relate to others. As we know, the idea of communication is to get our ideas across to others and for them to understand what we have said. This a two way street. Assumptions have no place in this verbal transaction as they act as roadblocks hiding the necessary real understanding. If we assume others understand without checking out with them, the truth of the matter may be absent.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Giving Your Life Direction
Monday, 24 October 2011
My Dogs bigger Than Your Dog
Tom Paxton sang this in the 60's. It is about children competing in their experiences of their world to show that they were better than each other. Monty Pythons Sketch on a similar theme also comes to mind.
Some of my past Clients have competed about how they probably had the worst problem, the worst life creating the worst outcome than anyone else they have known racing to become victims of their own circumstances.
The problem with this attitude is that others are not validated let alone themselves. Others who have significant issues become invisible next to the 'card carrying' victims and therefore they are neither heard nor are they seen as important and their problems fade into insignificance.
However understandable this competition may be, the creation of more victims, many find unacceptable. These issues are neither worse nor not as bad, they are just different. Different people react to problems differently. One size does not fit all and therefore therapy is individually tailored not just to the problem but also to the person with the problem. Hence when potential clients ask me as to how long will the therapy take, it is not possible to give a definitive answer.
Your dog may be bigger than my dog but this just makes it different, not better or worse.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
Some of my past Clients have competed about how they probably had the worst problem, the worst life creating the worst outcome than anyone else they have known racing to become victims of their own circumstances.
The problem with this attitude is that others are not validated let alone themselves. Others who have significant issues become invisible next to the 'card carrying' victims and therefore they are neither heard nor are they seen as important and their problems fade into insignificance.
However understandable this competition may be, the creation of more victims, many find unacceptable. These issues are neither worse nor not as bad, they are just different. Different people react to problems differently. One size does not fit all and therefore therapy is individually tailored not just to the problem but also to the person with the problem. Hence when potential clients ask me as to how long will the therapy take, it is not possible to give a definitive answer.
Your dog may be bigger than my dog but this just makes it different, not better or worse.
www.richardhughesandassociates.com.au
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