Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Self Validation & A Magic Pudding

A "Magic Pudding" is one that replenishes itself no matter how much is eaten.

One of the most prevalent issues for people is that giving to others is expected and if you give to yourself you are being selfish. This is an impossible position to be in as our inner resources reduce each time we give and do not receive. I am not saying that when we do something for others we should expect something in return. What I am saying is that the opportunity needs to be created in order to build our reserves on a regular basis.

Many of my clients have difficulties in doing things for themselves because they believe that they are undeserving of this. This has a number of complexities to this behaviour but some of it may be based in either being told to effectively feel guilty if you do something for yourself from upbringing or relationships or that they have no time for this to happen as their life priorities.

Not only are we all worthy of this activity but also it is vital that this occurs for our well being. People who work with people have to be particularly careful on this score as it contributes to 'burn out'.

It doesn't have to cost much or indeed anything at all in financial terms just a willingness to do this at least once every day. So, what sort of things am I talking about? Think about what gives you pleasure. It could be a walk of having a coffee before work and some space to 'smell the roses'. It could be some uninterrupted time where you do not have to justify what you do or not do, to anyone.It could be having a time of being pampered in a health spa. It could be anything that is wholly and solely about and for you. 

We are not like the Magic Pudding that automatically replenishes itself, we need to work hard in order to do this, preferably with the total support of those around us. Hopefully then it will become just something we do and second nature to our lives.

Giving Your Life Direction

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Assumptions Can Make You Blind To The Truth

Assumptions can make you blind to the truth as I have seen many times with clients seeing me about couple relationships and parenting. 

I hear things like' What am I, a mind reader?' ' How was I to know?' 
Most of us are not mind readers but act like one. We often respond on a guess and think we know the other person so well that our assumptions are correct without ever checking it out, with possible surprising consequences.

Facebook pages are littered with assumptions about people and their situations without really knowing their true experience. The top assumption is that we think we know and that is an adequate status when in fact it may be damaging and hurtful to another.

How often have you heard people say, "I know how you feel". They don't. No one can know how the other feels. They assume that because maybe they have experienced a similar situation then that must be the same for someone else. A case of one size fits all and a very prescriptive way of thinking. If I as a Counsellor took a similar line, my Clients would only heal by pure luck as one method and intervention does not work for everyone. One abused person does not necessarily feel in the same way as another.

Assumptions block communication and don't help the the way we relate to others. As we know, the idea of communication is to get our ideas across to others and for them to understand what we have said. This a two way street. Assumptions have no place in this verbal transaction as they act as roadblocks hiding the necessary real understanding. If we assume others understand without checking out with them, the truth of the matter may be absent.

Giving Your Life Direction